The Perils of Permissive Parenting

Permissive parenting sometimes referred to as “laissez-faire” parenting, is a parenting style characterized by relatively low expectations of child behavior, performance and achievement. Permissive parents tend to have few hard and fast rules, and the rules they do impose are often subject to manipulation by the child. At the core of the permissive parent’s style, we find the incorrect belief that one must be ‘liked’ by one’s children. The permissive parent wants to be the ‘friend’ and the ‘buddy’ in the hope that his or her child will be more likely to open up about problems and needs.

Example of Permissive parenting

For example, imagine that your teenager comes to you and says: “I’m going over to Sarah’s house. I might spend the night or I might not. I’ll try to be back before  2:00 a.m.” The typical permissive parent’s response to this would be something along the lines of: “O.K., but make sure you call to let me know when you get there, and call again to let me know if you’re spending the night or not.” Any number of unfortunate things could arise out of this situation. The child goes to her friend’s place, or maybe she doesn’t. She “forgets” to call and her parents are up all night worried about her whereabouts.

Of course, if she returns home safely, the permissive parents will make a show of his or her worry but quickly put the incident behind them. What the child ultimately learns from this is that her parents don’t truly care what she does, where she does it or who she does it with. Worse, she learns that she doesn’t truly have to be accountable to anyone.

It should be obvious why this permissive parenting approach is a very bad idea. The problem is that you cannot be both a friend, in the usual sense, and the parent in your child’s life at the same time. Good parenting dictates that you must at times make unpopular decisions and be the ‘bad guy’ enforcing the rules. You must show your child that your expectations of his or her behavior are consistent and high. This is the only way to earn his or her trust and respect in you as an authority figure. As much as your child may protest otherwise, he really does need a solid authority figure to turn to in his life.

If you somehow realize your style of parenting is permissive parenting. There is still time to make a change.