Bad Parenting | Matter of Perspective

For many of us, the fear that we will somehow end up being a bad parenting begins to creep into our heads long before we have children. For others it hits us when we leave the hospital, a little puzzled that medical professionals just allowed us to leave with a tiny little human and no guidebook.  So, how does a caring parent deal with those fears? How does one avoid bad parenting?

To begin with you must rid yourself of the ridiculous notion that you can be the “Perfect Parent”. It isn’t going to happen. You’re human and you are going to make a bad call, lose your cool, make a bad judgment, etc. Now that you know it’s inevitable, start figuring out a plan of action on how you will respond to your child, yourself and any third party that might be involved when it happens. If you have an idea of how to maneuver though the prickly maze of pride-swallowing fault admittance, you’ll find that crow a little easier to eat in the future.

As an added bonus, you model for your child the truth of life that ALL people mess up and that the important thing is to learn from your mistakes. Now that we know you can’t be a perfect parent, what’s next? You try as hard as you can to be as close to a perfect parent as possible. The internet age makes it relatively easy to search and find other parents or professionals who have advice on how to deal with almost any situation that could arise. Use those resources and many others. Talk to parents, family, doctors, educators, or social workers. Gather as much information as you can, and educate yourself about the stages of development for children. Learn about learning and discipline styles. Try things out, Research Discuss. Ask for help. Then, sift through all that information and find what works for your family dynamic and personality style. A little information on the general development of a child will provide you with a treasure-trove of information that will soothe your concerns.

It’s a learning process for everyone but keep in mind that the more you learn the better prepared you are to deal with any situation. Like any great  responsibility, it helps to be educated about it to avoid making common errors. Finally, be consistent. Set clear and specific boundaries and expectations and then encourage and enforce them. Remember that, regardless of the age of your child, they have been on this planet a very short time compared to you and are trying to figure out how the world works. If you keep changing the rules on them it sets them up for failure and makes your job all the harder. So monitor yourself and don’t fall into a image of been a bad parenting.

The Perils of Permissive Parenting

Permissive parenting sometimes referred to as “laissez-faire” parenting, is a parenting style characterized by relatively low expectations of child behavior, performance and achievement. Permissive parents tend to have few hard and fast rules, and the rules they do impose are often subject to manipulation by the child. At the core of the permissive parent’s style, we find the incorrect belief that one must be ‘liked’ by one’s children. The permissive parent wants to be the ‘friend’ and the ‘buddy’ in the hope that his or her child will be more likely to open up about problems and needs.

Example of Permissive parenting

For example, imagine that your teenager comes to you and says: “I’m going over to Sarah’s house. I might spend the night or I might not. I’ll try to be back before  2:00 a.m.” The typical permissive parent’s response to this would be something along the lines of: “O.K., but make sure you call to let me know when you get there, and call again to let me know if you’re spending the night or not.” Any number of unfortunate things could arise out of this situation. The child goes to her friend’s place, or maybe she doesn’t. She “forgets” to call and her parents are up all night worried about her whereabouts.

Of course, if she returns home safely, the permissive parents will make a show of his or her worry but quickly put the incident behind them. What the child ultimately learns from this is that her parents don’t truly care what she does, where she does it or who she does it with. Worse, she learns that she doesn’t truly have to be accountable to anyone.

It should be obvious why this permissive parenting approach is a very bad idea. The problem is that you cannot be both a friend, in the usual sense, and the parent in your child’s life at the same time. Good parenting dictates that you must at times make unpopular decisions and be the ‘bad guy’ enforcing the rules. You must show your child that your expectations of his or her behavior are consistent and high. This is the only way to earn his or her trust and respect in you as an authority figure. As much as your child may protest otherwise, he really does need a solid authority figure to turn to in his life.

If you somehow realize your style of parenting is permissive parenting. There is still time to make a change.

Authoritative Style of Parenting

The reason why authoritative style of parenting (one types of parenting styles) is more likely to be successful than the other style because parents who apply the authoritative style set rules and limits, but explaining why they are necessary. Parents making rules with taking account of their children’s point of view. They communicate well and regularly with their children and encourage them to be independent.

Four Different Parenting Styles

From the expect point of view they have identify four different types of parenting styles. These styles are known as “authoritarian”, “authoritative”, “permissive” and “neglectful.” There are important differences between each of these styles, and there is one style considered ideal above all the others. We’ll review each one individually now so you will be able to understand which type of parenting styles is best for you and your child.

Authoritarian Style of Parenting

The authoritarian style of parenting is the ‘old, stereotypical style best described in phrases like “children should be seen and not heard” and “spare the rod, spoil the child.” Authoritarian parents expect a high degree of conformity and compliance from their children, and are more likely to use corporal punishment as discipline.
The problem with authoritarian parenting is that the ‘rules’ often change at the parent’s whim, so the child never truly know what is expected. One could describe the situation as ‘unfair’ and threatening. Many children raised by authoritarian parents live in a constant state of fear. They tend to display less self-confidence and are socially withdrawn.

Permissive Style of Parenting

Permissive parenting is typically characterized by a warm, loving relationship between parent and child, but is flawed by low expectations of behavior. In other words, the permissive parent is usually afraid to make demands on the child much less hold him to any standard.
Children raised by overly permissive parents tend to suffer from a lack of focus, immaturity and problems with emotional regulation.

Neglectful Style of Parenting

Neglectful parenting is best described as a step beyond “permissive” parenting. The neglectful parent may provide food and shelter, but is generally emotionally uninvolved in the child’s life. A good example of this would be parents who never ask their child questions about their day, their friends, homework, etc.. A neglected child may have serious issues going on outside the home, but the neglectful parent is never aware of them until something potentially tragic occurs.

Authoritative style of Parenting

This type of parent holds high expectations of the child’s behavior while allowing an open dialogue with the child about those expectations. Rules imposed on the child are fair and expressed clearly. The authoritative parent teaches the child about cause and effect, decision-making and self-sufficiency. Children raised in an authoritative environment have more self-confidence and initiative, are liked and respected by their peers and will be generally well-rounded adults. Out of the four different types of parenting styles, the authoritative style is considered ideal.

Having Good Parenting Skills To Teach Your Child

When it comes to good parenting skills in any of these areas, the first thing you have to remember is that your children are individuals, just as you are. Some children are very resilient and quick to learn, while others may be stubborn or extremely sensitive.

First-time parenthood can be scary. Every new parent, especially new mothers, wonder whether they are doing the best job possible at raising their child – and no wonder!  In between feeding, bathing, playing and doctor’s visits, you must also teach your child about the world around him.

First Step in Learning Good Parenting Skills

You must provide discipline along with plenty of love and support. There are many questions faced by parents every day. How can I build my child’s sense of self-esteem and self-sufficiency?  How do I ‘punish’ my child for bad behavior without causing real harm?

Therefore, the first step in learning good parenting skills is to learn what’s going to work for your child.  It is easy, for example, to adopt a rule about spanking. Most child-rearing advice today advises against any kind of corporal punishment.  So, what do you do instead? Likewise, what do you do when your child suffers from low self-esteem, and it seems that your efforts at praise are falling on deaf ears?

What’s best way to raise a child?

The steps you’ll take to be a good parent in any of these situations needs to be based on an overall plan or philosophy in regards to the best way to raise your child. Good parenting skills aren’t just lists of “do’s and don’ts”. Your skill at handling any situation will come from your self-confidence in your role as loving protector.
In other words, good parenting is really about patience and consistency (in your words and actions). One of the healthiest approaches you can take with your child is to teach him the laws of cause and effect.

If you believe in teaching your child about cause and effect, and the consequences of his or her actions, there will be no question about how best to provide discipline or positive feedback. Let’s look at an example. Imagine for a moment that your child is in an aggressive phase, and often hits or bites his playmates. If you believe in teaching cause and effect in a healthy way, then you do not hit or bite your child as punishment. Instead, you would take him aside and explain to him that his friend Is not going to want to play with him any more if that behavior continues. If he repeats the behavior, you would end the play session early as punishment, to show him that he won’t be allowed to play at all so long as he behaves aggressively.

Remain Consistent in Discipline

In order to remain consistent, you would also apply this technique to positive situations. For instance, when your child does something nice for someone else, you would then praise him and point out the cause and effect between the desired behavior and the positive outcome.

It’s never too early to start applying good parenting skills. Toddlers are at a prime age to being learning about cause and effect, but babies begin to notice relationships between actions and outcomes as early as four to six months. Be gentle, patient and consistent in your approach, and remember to tailor these lessons to your child’s unique personality.

The Best Parenting Baby Book

The definitive parenting baby book can work miracles. It can transform even the fussiest baby into a picture perfect tot. It can point out every parenting mistake and make parenting time a true joy. Every little question is answered and the answers are astonishing. There is nothing this book can not do. It can even change dirty diapers and baby sit when the parents need a night out.

The reality is that the ultimate baby book does not exist. No one source can give comprehensive, working advice for all parents. There are parenting books available but the theories and advice contained within the pages varies according to whatever expert wrote it. The one thing that is quickly discovered when having a baby is that nothing is concrete. The current parenting baby books on the market that is bestsellers were often written many years ago but have been revised and updated to reflect the changing nature and makeup of the parents.

Forty years ago an openly gay couple seeking to have a baby through surrogacy would not have been as accepted as it is currently. The parenting baby book would not have had a section featuring alternative parent units. Single parents were not even under consideration and their circumstances are drastically different than those of two people having a baby.

The thing about parenting is that no one can accurately predict how infancy will go. A parenting baby book can give details about general childhood illness, when to get shots or even when to start solid foods but it cannot cover every single topic. New parenting time is precious and that is the one thing a parenting baby book can attest to. A new mother and father, or mother/mother, father/father, or however the family unit is comprised is an exciting time filled with new adventures each and every day. No two people act the same.

Any parenting baby book will cover the basics. There will be sections devoted to developmental milestones as well as tips or advice for problems that arise. Sometimes this is not enough and a trip to the pediatrician is an answer. The importance of a good patient/doctor relationship is vital. The doctor should never act irritated by questions and the staff should always be helpful. If there is any impatience or lack of concern…go to another doctor.

New parents experience a different world than what they were used to. It is an adjustment but the rewards are great and will last the rest of the child’s life. Just remember that the ultimate parenting baby book does not exist and to take it day by day and year by year. There is something new each day.

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